April 28, 2006.

April 28, 2006. A day that I will never forget. This was the day that completely changed my life. The day when I felt the most distant from God and everyone else around me. But ultimately, it was the day when God transformed my life for my good and His glory. 8 years ago, on April 28, I was on a bus heading back to Kentucky from New York City with a group of my senior classmates. That trip was one of my favorite high school memories, however the trip home was something that I never expected to happen. I will never forget the moment when I found out. I remember waking up from a nap (because anyone who knows me, knows that I always sleep on roadtrips!) and my friend told me that something bad may have happened to Brian, my boyfriend at the time. As I saw my dad’s face when he walked back to take me off the bus, I knew something was wrong. When the words finally formed out of his mouth, “He didn’t make it, Becca” all I remember was falling to the ground, screaming. I couldn’t stand up, it felt like every bone had left my body. I didn’t believe him. There was no way that God would let this happen to me. If God really loved me, why would he take Brian away so soon? These thoughts continued to haunt me throughout the next several hours on the quiet, somber ride home. I felt so numb and lonely. I wanted things to instantly go back to how they were before I fell asleep on that bus. I wanted to be home and realize that this was all a dream. I wanted answers from God.

The next few days were a complete blur. I know the visitation and the funeral happened. My amazing family, friends, and classmates were so incredibly supportive. I have never felt so much love from so many people than I did in those moments! But as the days and weeks went by, my heart continued to break. I felt like my life was over and there were days when I had no desire to continue living. Every time someone would tell me “time will heal it” I thought they were crazy. When people told me “God has a purpose for all of the suffering you are going through” I wanted to throw something at them (I’m just being real…) I couldn’t imagine how God could ever heal my heart or bring anything good from this situation. I was angry and confused, and honestly wanted nothing to do with God or his plan for me.  Thankfully, God continued to use people to speak truth in my life.

The next 5 or so years were a slow, painful healing process. There were days when my whole body ached with grief, and times when I was so numb to crying I didn’t even realize that tears were falling down my face. But God continued to draw me close to Himself and He revealed so much to me about His good and loving character. God provided me with peace beyond all understanding, He made me fall more in love with Him everyday, and eventually He healed my broken heart. I thought that I would never date or love anyone again. Anyone who knew me at the time can tell you that I was convinced that I would be single forever. But thankfully, God had different plans. I can’t begin to explain how thankful I am for the amazing man that God has placed in my life. 5 years after Brian died I finally met the man who would be my husband. I remember being so scared as I started falling in love with Brandon. I was afraid that the same thing would happen and that my heart would be crushed, again. I’m so thankful that God, in his sovereignty, brought us together and worked out all of the crazy details so that we would fall in love and become husband and wife.  Brandon is absolutely perfect for me and I am so excited to see God’s good plan for us unfold. 

As I sit here and reflect on these past 8 years I am drawn to tears because of God’s overwhelming goodness to me. While it was a horrible tragedy and I still ache for Brian’s family, I can see God’s grace and mercy displayed so greatly throughout that season of my life.  I am more in love with Jesus today than I ever was 8 years ago. He has transformed my life and made me into a new creation. God has shown me that He truly brings good out of all things and that He can be glorified even in the most difficult situations.  I know for people who are enduring suffering, it seems like there is no relief in sight. And honestly, there may never be total relief on this earth for some people. But we have a God who cares deeply for us and walks with us every step of the way during our suffering.  Our hope is on Christ and His coming Kingdom, not on this world. He uses the storms in our lives to bring new life. We even see this in the story of His son. Jesus went through more suffering than any of us could ever experience, but His suffering brought new life to all who believe in Him. He truly is a good and faithful God.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”  -Romans 8:28

“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” –James 1:12